“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” -2 Timothy 1:7

This is my favorite verse in the Bible. It has brought encouragement and conviction in so many areas of my life and has been used as a mirror to show me my mindset and heart-posture time and time again.

As of late, my reflection hasn’t been the prettiest.

As the last part of the verse says, we are given a spirit of self-control by God to do what we should, to follow through to the finish, to say no when it’s time to say no and yes when it’s time to say yes. This is a gift I have selfishly denied more often than accepted, a choice that has been made in multiple areas of my life, including my relationship with Jesus.

I hate this part of myself, that I don’t strive to do the hard stuff just as much as the easy. I loathe that it reeks of laziness. That it tarnishes the trustworthiness of my word, to others and to myself. Even more so, I hate that it causes me to lose intimacy with my Creator.

This lack has reared its ugly head in the form of me reading my Bible and praying inconsistently, large gaps separating intermittent moments. (This matters because these are the two primary ways we are given to communicate with God and, like any relationship, communication is essential.)

I felt stuck, ashamed of my unfaithfulness to something, Someone I claimed as an essential part of my life. Until this weekend.

In college, I was part of a ministry that revolutionized the way I interacted with God. Through this ministry, I made some of the best friends I’ve ever had and, for the first time in my life, had someone sit down with me to teach me how to read the Bible.

This weekend, that college ministry was holding a conference, in which the mentor of the ministry’s leader was sharing. I had been to several of these rallies while I was in college and had always enjoyed them, learning new things about God, how I should approach Him, and reaching out to people when I attended.

I had first pushed aside the idea of going this year though, as I am traveling for Thanksgiving this week and have made several trips to Ohio in the past two months. However, I felt like I was supposed to go. So, I did.

How glad I am that I did.

The very wake-up call I needed awaited me there. The uncomfortable truth I had become desensitized to awaited me there. The outstretched hand and call to get out of the muck I found myself in awaited me there. The reality of my future, if things went unchanged, awaited me there. 

I have strayed in my obedience. I have been unfaithful to what I know I should do. I tried to shove God in a box. I have disappointed myself in how flippantly I treated my relationship with God.

No more. Through the strength and goodness of God, no more. Through the accountability of faithful friends, no more. Through actively, daily choosing to follow instead of relying on the long-ago choice of acknowledgement, no more.

No. More.